not a luxury …
We agreed on the fact that between the consultations I could sent her an email about what was bothering me during the week.
The first time that I wrote I had been drinking.
I was so embarrassed that I removed the email without reading it back.
During the following consultation she discussed it with me and much to my surprise, she said that it made clear what blocked me.
The bitterness, anger, hate and pain about events in the past were triggered by my drinking.
She confronted me: “So you may only feel this while you are destroying yourself with alcohol.”
She sent my email back to me and I got scared of the negativity that I had written.
I kept mailing whether or not under the influence and one day I got a reply.
She had removed everything that I wrote on numerous occasions and left only the last sentence.
For the first time I had written: “I don’t want to live anymore.”
Her answer was: “If so: Why do you write to me?”
My first reaction was that I was very angry with her and it took me a week before it came clear to me that she was right.
After that I could really getting started with myself.
I learned to deal with the concept of compassion.
It yielded on me that this understanding I got for myself and at the same time also for others.
I could let go of the alcohol because I finally could enable all feelings in myself.
Admitting to the fact that I was depressed and didn’t want to live anymore, as I see it now, was my liberation.
I have taken my responsibility and leave it to the other take on his/her own.
After a couple of months her energy was back and she was busy with making of success of her life.